People with a fear of commitment tend to gravitate toward one another. After all, when your partner is afraid to commit, you can love with abandon without fear of becoming trapped.

These people are very often unaware of their tendency to choose partners who share their reluctance to settle down with one person. In fact, they may not even be aware that they struggle with a fear of commitment themselves. In their mind, finding a life partner may be one of their highest priorities in life. But for various reasons, their relationships never seem to work out.

After nearly two decades of enthusiastically jumping into relationships thinking I’d found “the one,” then cursing my bad luck when things didn’t turn out quite like I thought they would, I finally stepped back and took a good, hard look in the mirror.

My “bad luck” had nothing at all to do with luck. Rather, I’d developed a habit of sabotaging perfectly good relationships once I felt commitment closing in.

That’s when I decided to get real with myself and learn everything I could about commitmentphobia. I knew that until I understood what was plaguing my relationships, where it came from, and how to overcome it, I would continue to jump from relationship to relationship in search of the “perfect” woman. I would continue to find myself wondering why I couldn’t succeed in love…why, after decades of dating, I still woke up on Saturdays alone in my bed.

What I’ve learned has paved the way for a fundamental shift, and the promise of deep intimacy and commitment. I talk about some of those lessons in my article called Being a Single Vegan Man Isn’t As Easy As You Might Think.

If you’re ready for long term love but never seem to make relationships work…if you crave companionship but find you always “need time,” or “need space,” or “keep dating the wrong kind of people,” you might be sabotaging your chances of finding lasting love. If you focus on the wrong partners or run away from real possibility, you may be struggling with a fear of commitment.

I’m doing research for a new project to help people overcome their fear of commitment and find lasting love. I want to speak with 20-30 people who struggle with fear in relationships so that I can refine my ideas and provide the best guidance possible. If you find yourself endlessly unsatisfied in relationships or unable to make a commitment to someone you love, will you fill out my 2-question survey below? All responses will be kept confidential.

You deserve love, and there is a way to resolve the commitment issues that you or your reluctant partner are experiencing.

I look forward to reading your response.

Nick Coughlin

Nick Coughlin is the founder and publisher of Compassionate Man. He lives in South Minneapolis with his two dogs, Onyx and Boli. You can reach him by emailing

One Comment

  • I’ve noticed that every time my relationship starts to get serious, I will detach and become indifferent. It’s probably from past disillusionment…

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